Chewymom

My life has been spiraling insanely this past year, and without going into all of the detail, a large part of that spiral has been spiritual. What began as personal frustrations grew into questioning and ultimately confusion and doubt.

I began doubting some scriptural truths I had always been taught - things like that the marriage passages are best understood the way the Reformed/PCA circles have always taught. I moved on to doubting that the method of interpreting scripture that I had always lived by (interpret Scripture with Scripture) was giving me the best understanding of God and of His Word. I continued to a place of wondering what else in Scripture might be best understood by interpreting Scripture by Jesus…or what other methods of understanding God might be more true to His character.

And eventually I became weary and confused and just too darned busy to ponder it any more. My spiritual world began to take a backseat to…life. I am in nursing school, I have five kids, we all have a disorder that has pushed me to spend countless hours doing research and educating myself. I have lost both parents and several loved ones in the past few years. I am just out of the emotional energy and the extra time to ponder the deep things of life.

Maybe you could say I have grown cold. Or worse, lukewarm.

But it is now officially after Thanksgiving, and you know what that means. It is legal to listen to Christmas music!! And I’m not talking about “Christmas Shoes,” or even “Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer.” I started with my old favorite, “O Holy Night” on Pandora. (Love me some Pandora radio!!)

Y’all.

The traditional hymns and carols have so much depth. It renews my soul…truly. I have spent tonight studying about nutrition, medications, and elimination…and worshiping. Strange combination, I know. The loss of a friend last week to a sudden brain aneurysm is still fresh in my heart and probably makes me face this season more tenderly and heart-felt than I might. And so my soul, after spending many months locked up and untouched, is greatly touched by the songs of the season, and ultimately by the gospel.

It’s not the gospel of submissive wives, or Republican leaders, or self-disciplined elders. It isn’t a gospel of correct theology, or historical church figures, or end times. It is just simply the story of the birth. Creator creates…world goes crazy…and then BAM! God comes. Perfection in our midst. Joy to the world! A thrill of hope!

O Holy Night! The stars are brightly shining,
It is the night of the dear Saviour’s birth.
Long lay the world in sin and error pining.
Till He appeared and the Spirit felt its worth.
A thrill of hope the weary world rejoices,
For yonder breaks a new and glorious morn.
Fall on your knees! Oh, hear the angel voices!
O night divine, the night when Christ was born;
O night, O Holy Night , O night divine!

My doubtful heart has hope, and I am falling on my knees. Is anyone else’s weary heart joining me there?

This entry was posted on Monday, November 30th, 2009 at 9:35 pm and is filed under This and That. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.