Chewymom

A few weeks ago, I had the honor of posting over on Adventures in Mercy about the changes in my parenting style from a punitive paradigm to a grace-based one. I had some awesome comments over there, and I wanted to discuss one of them further. Ruth said, “Here’s a question for all the folks that have dealt with Ezzo/Pearl parenting - is there a way/should I talk with friends who just love the books and parenting style given there? And I don’t want to come across as I’m right you’re wrong and mean to your little ones, especially considering the fact that sometimes mine are a bit wild and like to holler and run in church/store/wherever and aren’t exactly the model of obedience that the books strive for.”

Back in some of my Ezzo materials–Growing Kids God’s Way, I assume–there was this cute little story that Gary told. He would put a marshmallow in front of a kid. He would tell the kid that if he would wait to eat the marshmallow, then when he (Gary) returned in five minutes, he would give the kid two marshmallows! Amazingly, the GKGW trained kids were able to muster the self-control to wait it out and receive the second marshmallow. As opposed to those poor AP kids, I assume, who stuffed the one marshmallow into their greedy little mouths the second he left the room. The point being that we were teaching our kids how to delay an immediate gratification in exchange for something better.

Here’s the irony in that. As Ruth said, she’d love to share the great things she has learned about grace-based parenting, but her children don’t behave up to the Ezzo’s standards. And that is a problem. What Ezzo parent is willing to have a child who is more…expressive, open, willing to explore, and less easy to manage in the short term? None, I can bet. The goal is to have obedient children…now! Not thoughtful children down the road. The goal is to hear a “yes ma’am,” and obedience “right away, all the way, and with a happy heart,” not to have a toddler who thinks for himself, stomps a foot or two or ten, and who is strong and self-confident standing up for himself as a teenager. Ezzo parents aren’t willing to go the difficult route for the sake of what they might find down the road. That feels too risky–too dangerous–too ungodly. And yet, they miss out on seeing their child’s real personality develop–on helping along a childish exuberance, an adolescent strength, and a teenage confidence–because they have got to have control–complete control–of their tiny children.

Take a look at Gary’s own family, for example. He and Anne Marie had excellent control over their young daughters, which is why they were asked to start teaching parenting classes in the first place. Their well-behaved girls were a testimony to their parenting skills. Or were they? Now both girls are estranged from the Ezzos, and Gary and Anne Marie moved all the way to the opposite coast from their daughters. They had excellent immediate results, but is their family what I want for mine down the road?

Not that parenting in a way opposite of the Ezzos is a guarantee of a great relationship down the road, either, of course.

I just find it ironic that those who are into the Ezzo’s material are so hung up on the behavior of infants, toddlers, preschoolers, school-aged kids as a mark of good parenting. They can’t see that they are wanting a reward and they want it now!

In other words, these parents haven’t learned about delayed gratification–doing what may be more difficult in the immediate (allowing more freedom for a toddler, for example) in order to potentially reap greater results down the road. Ironic, huh?

My friend Molly over at Adventures in Mercy asked me to do a guest blog spot on my parenting journey. Quite a while ago, I might add. I finally spit something out–a process that was not easy as is evidenced by the lack of new posts on my own blog. I’m very honored that the ever popular and thought-provoking Molly would ask me to put something on her blog! Go check it out!

DH’s cousin had twins a few months back, and we had the opportunity to meet tiny Sadie and Jack last week. Those two are precious little things! I have never had twins, and I can hardly imagine how challenging it would be. I was surprised when their mom came up and said, “I heard that you used to like Babywise, but now you don’t. What’s the deal? I need advice! I’m kinda using Babywise, and it seems to be working well. What do you think?”

I only had a couple of minutes because they were about to leave, and honestly I had a hard time thinking of all I could or should say. On the one hand, I could talk her ear off. But then, I’ve never tried to juggle twins, either. And frankly, I did use the “church version” of Babywise–Prep for Parenting with most of my kids. And it worked well, if all you’re after is a good night’s sleep. Who was I to tell this new, tired mom to do otherwise?

So I merely gave her my list of cautions–be sure the babies gain enough, DO NOT get into the older kids’ programs (where I really had more problems), find a balance and use compassion. I guess if I were to give this momma further advice, it would be to read my experiences that I have posted, and I would guide her to other sources, like Tulipgirl and EzzoInfo, and then I’d probably send her on to a grace-based parenting board.

Meanwhile, Tulipgirl is having her fourth annual Ezzo week, and in honor of that and my DH’s cousins questions, I wanted to link to my old posts in a series I did about my experiences as a Contact Mom with the Ezzos.

How I Got Involved with GFI
Why I Loved GFI
Becoming a Contact Mom for GFI
Red Flags with GFI
Disassociating Myself from the Ezzos and GFI
My Parenting Post-GFI

There are other posts I have written that allude to my GFI days as well. You can either search for GFI or Ezzo in the sidebar, or you can click on the GFI/Ezzo/Babywise link to see everything in that category.

I laid the piece of masking tape carefully on the floor. Our house had a very open den and kitchen area, separated only by a 1/2 wall of cabinets. The kitchen itself was tiny–really only enough room for one person at a time to work in there. There was a gas stove, which always made me nervous with three small children underfoot, not to mention quite a few things I did not want grubby little fingers to find.

When I heard about the tape on the floor idea from a GFI contact mom, I thought it sounded great! You lay tape on the floor and train your toddlers to stay on the other side of it. The advantage of this over a gate is that you could easily use this rule at other people’s homes. Really, the tape was just a friendly visual reminder, not a real boundary. So the young child was learning self-control, rather than just a boundary.

So, I ran the tape across the floor and began teaching DS14 (three at the time) not to cross the line. DS14 was a very compliant little child, and it did not take many negative consequences before he learned that the tape was not to be crossed.

Fast forward eleven years—This morning in Sunday school, DH taught on Luke 10:38-42–the story when Martha becomes exasperated because Mary won’t help her and asks Jesus to intervene. The topic was practical legalism. We examined ourselves to see when our own rules and behaviors, even though good, cause us to fail to look at the person. Jesus looked at people–and I don’t just mean with his eyes. He saw into their souls and knew each one personally. He perfectly understood the needs of the moment. Even though Martha was slaving away, trying desperately to minister to and show hospitality for Jesus and his disciples, Jesus understood Mary’s need of the moment. Even though Mary was breaking societal rules and norms by sitting at the feet of a rabbi, Jesus knew that she needed to be there. Martha’s desire to serve was not bad in any way. But she failed to truly look at Mary and see the real need of the moment.

And that is what I did with DS14 those years ago with the tape. I had a need–to keep my kids safe, to keep them from being underfoot in a tiny kitchen, and to keep them from potentially dangerous kitchen items. And yet, as I punished DS14 any time his little foot crossed over the line, I failed to see HIM. I did not consider his need of the moment–whether he just needed some Mommy-love and attention. I saw his behavior. And my treatment of him reduced him to a project, not a person. I failed to truly see him and the wholeness of his person. (And frankly, I think that sums up our whole GFI experience–failing to see the person each of our children were, and reducing them to a set of rules and expectations.)

Thankfully Jesus is not like me. He does not see me within the confines of rules and expectations. He does not look upon me with shame and disappointment that I could make Him look so bad by failing to follow his rules and expectations. He looks at me with love, and He sees me. He looks fully, and He sees deeply–beyond the externals and the appearances and straight to the heart. He even sees beyond the superficial, beyond the facade that we all put up in front of other (and even in front of ourselves) and sees with perfect eyes. And do you know what is on His face as He looks upon us? Pure love.

One Saturday morning at 8:30 a.m., I found myself watching yet another of DS8’s soccer games. They are always fun to watch, although this particular morning it was awfully cold! I think fall had finally arrived here in the south. I wore shorts. I didn’t know. I froze.

Anyway, I was watching DS8 play, and thinking how far he’s come since last year. He is much more aggressive, and he really goes after the ball. I know you aren’t supposed to compare kids, but bear with me for a minute while I do.

When DS14 was 8, we were entrenched in GFI. Pulling out slightly, but still parenting much in that way. Now, I’m betting that all of us would agree that it is a good thing to have nice, polite children. And that it is our job as parents to teach our children to be kind and all. When DS14 was little, we worked very, very hard to teach him to be kind. If DS14 did anything that we perceived was selfish in any way, he was corrected. He was taught to defer everything to others. If he wanted something (a red cup) we taught him that it was wrong to want that and gave him something else (blue cup). We were establishing our authority so that he would not rebel and so that we would not lose control of him. We were “parenting inside the funnel.” DS14 had to share all of his toys, he had to obey “right away, all the way, and with a happy heart,” and he was not allowed to disagree with us.

And then we signed him up for soccer. We yelled from the sidelines, “Get the ball!” “Go after it!!” “Take it away!!” We told him that if the other team had the ball, he was to steal it. If they were going one direction, he was to aggressively turn it around. And we watched as DS14 (then eight) stood timidly back and “politely” let the other team run all over the place. He was hesitant and unsure. He did not want to take the ball away–that was unkind. He wasn’t comfortable getting in the way of an opponent about to score a goal. That was not considering others before himself. He was a very kind, polite, and uncompetitive soccer player. (I am happy to report that DS14 has found his competitive edge in many sports, soccer included, and he is does just fine!)

So I was pondering the differences between my sons as young soccer players. DS8, although very kind and tenderhearted by nature, has not had that drilled into his head as much as DS14 did. He has not been trained to defer every want and desire and urge. He has gained a confidence in himself that I think DS14 did not have at that age. And (I think) as a result, he can confidently and aggressively play soccer, even at age eight.

And so I am wondering…if you work really hard to have compliant children who always defer their desires to others, can they play sports well? Can they understand how to “change personalities” and become an aggressive person? Is what I’ve witnessed in my own kids a typical experience of former GFI families?

I know it seems I go on these “Ezzo tangents” every so often. I truly am not out to get them. But things will come up on occasion in my parenting where I can’t help but go through a “then and now” scenario in my mind. It happened again recently.

DD3 and I were driving home from a trip–it was about a 5 hour drive. She was bored to tears and kept wanting to roll down the window. I said no because first, it was almost 90 degrees outside (what’s up with THAT in April??), so it was almost unbearable to have the windows down. But besides that, I have pretty bad asthma and allergies. At the moment I’m on an antibiotic, prednisone, Claritin, eyedrops, nose spray, and Qvar, just to keep me breathing well. I don’t need to encourage pollen to find me right now. So when DD3 would not heed my request to leave her window up, I locked it. She pitched a royal fit and declared that I am VERY MEAN to her.

So I had my flashback, as I was trying to ignore her cries and just DRIVE, darn it! When DS13 was 3, I was still controlling every choice he made. The old “red cup/blue cup” thing I’ve referred to before, where the Ezzos taught people to choose the cup color for their kids. The reasoning behind this was that you teach your child to submit to your choices so that you don’t have these outbursts when they don’t get their way. If they get used to making choices, then they don’t understand when you tell them no. So this trains them to accept what you say, to respect your authority and all. And when they show they are “wise” enough to handle choices, you open up the funnel and give them more choices. But ONLY after they’ve proven they can handle the freedom.

So, with DS13, I’m sure we would have never had that fit over the windows. But now, after five kids, I’m thinking, “WHO CARES???” I had a battle either way! DS13 learned artificially that he could not make choices…EVER. (We actually had to retrain his brain to trust himself and his instincts, but I’ve written about that in another blog.) DD3 is learning in real circumstances that sometimes she cannot make a choice. It means that sometimes she has public outbursts, which probably ought to embarrass me more than it does. But it isn’t like DS13 never fought for choices. He did. It was just in the privacy of my kitchen. Which was nice, because when I was out around others, he was well-behaved and people thought I was a wonderful mom. But in terms of the long-term training on choices, the only difference I really see is that DS13 learned that making choices was actually morally wrong. Always. DD3 is learning that I trust her to make good choices. And when she does not, or when I truly need to control the circumstance, I do. Either way is difficult at times, because at some point there will be a battle over a choice. It is the nature of a toddler. In fact, I believe it is how God has designed a toddler, so that they can learn about consequences and confidence and control.

Frankly, having done it both ways, I prefer the latter. I find my previous methods to be silly, mean-spirited, and more time-consuming in the long run as it requires retraining in decision-making skills later in life. The first way saves face, makes me look better as a mom and all. But is that really my goal in parenting? Um, no. I’ll take the occasional public humiliation, a few more tantrums in a store, embarrassing moments, and shrill screams from my child, but in the long run a more well-rounded individual who is confident in her worth as a person with an opinion!

For a long time now, there has been a website called Ezzo Info, whose goal it is to let people know the real dangers and issues with Gary and Anne Marie’s parenting materials. Recently another website has popped up, run by Ezzo supporters, called Ezzo Truth. Interestingly, it has already had several changes, as the owners of the site attempt to tell the truth. Which can be tricky, since Mr. Ezzo himself is not truthful. But I digress.

One reason I was so drawn to the Ezzo’s materials over 15 years ago, is that they claimed to be able to help parents raise their children in such a way that they would enjoy a lifetime of great relationships with their children. And let’s face it, the teen years and beyond can be intimidating when you have a sweet, innocent baby in your arms and you are keeping up with current news. Parents are hungry for help! I certainly was! At that time, Gary and Anne Marie enjoyed a loving relationship with both of their daughters and their families. That is no longer true.

When I began my withdrawal from the Ezzo’s and their materials, my original intent was to become inactive as a contact mom. My own family was struggling, and I knew that two things were true. First, I could not be pouring my energy into the lives of other families when my own needed attention. And second, I could not set myself as a leader in family and parenting issues when my family was having issues. I knew that we needed to be “above reproach” in our own lives before we could tell others how to have a godly family. And it was with sadness and extreme frustration that I realized that Gary did not share my view. I don’t even know if his family situation with his wife and daughters was struggling at the time, but I know that he personally was proving himself to have some character issues that needed to be dealt with. If I was willing to withdraw and step back for the sake of healing and for the sake of not maligning the name of Christ, why wasn’t he?

Well, he wasn’t. And he still isn’t. And here is a quote from Ezzo Info about the current state of Gary’s family:

Readers have reason to question not only Gary and Anne Marie Ezzo’s believability but also their suitability to teach others about parenting. The Ezzos have not succeeded in their parenting relationships with their own children as measured by their own standards. On Becoming BABYWISE tells parents not to look at “the reasoning or logic of the hypothesis” but to “observe the end results,” and Growing Kids God’s Way says, “The relational goal of our parenting is friendship with our children” (emphases in originals). But the Ezzos have not achieved this goal with their own two daughters.

Sadly, several years ago, both daughters and their husbands cut off contact with the Ezzos, and they remain estranged. Both couples have confirmed this to Ezzo.info. One couple indicated that their decision was based on their personal observation of the same types of character issues raised by others and that it was done only after much prayer, consideration, and counsel.

This situation is a true tragedy, but churches and parents considering the Ezzos’ parenting advice deserve to know that the pattern of broken relationships they have left behind them extends even into their own family.

Please go to Ezzo info for more of the letter, and for more information about the Ezzos.

If you are a gung-ho Ezzo follower and love their wise advice, then take this advice, out of their own mouths. Do not look at “the reasoning or logic of the hypothesis” but “observe the end results.” As Gary himself says in GKGW, remember that “the relational goal of our parenting is friendship with our children. So go find yourself a family who exemplifies that (i.e. not the Ezzos) and ask them what they have done.

I can think of many mentors I’ve had through the years. They are all people I have gravitated toward because of something I admired in them. In college, it was a friend who was a year older than me who was leading a Bible study I was in. She was gentle, quiet, kind, and wise. I wanted to be like her.

When DH and I were first married, we moved to California. A couple there, 10 years our senior, took us under their wing. They had us over weekly, and we talked and observed learned. They were examples to us as a young married couple and as parents of their then-two-year-old and newborn. We took mental notes on their parenting in particular, especially when I learned that I was expecting. We admired what they did-we thought their daughter was precious, enjoyable, pleasant, and well-behaved and wanted to learn the ropes.

Fast forward to recently. I had one women whom I considered to be a mentor. I could see that she was a LOT like me in personality. She was about 10 years older than me, and was extremely wise. If only I could be wise like that! She was also my Bible study teacher for several years. I admired the way she had worked through a difficult time with her husband (and I appreciated her honesty about it), and I admired the way she related to other women–with honesty and directness and love.

My point in telling you this is not to bore you to tears. It is to set up what I think most people look for in a mentor. Usually you are looking to someone whose qualities you admire–at least in the area you are hoping to learn from them. For DH and I and the couple in California, we were mostly learning about parenting, and we admired what they were doing and the outcome we saw.

Let me jump forward to this questions: How is it that Gary and Anne Marie Ezzo have set themselves up as teachers on parenting to so many people? Well, at first they were mentors. They were in California and people admired their parent/child relationship with their daughters and wanted to learn from them. They mentored some, then they taught what they knew in Sunday school. From there, they did the hard work of putting it together in a program. And then they went out from under the umbrella of their church and began having many problems.

I have no trouble with the way GFI started–it was a natural progression of events. It was a Titus 2 situation–older women teaching younger women, older men teaching younger men. But now? Well, if I saw a family within my church who had two children, one of whom has no contact with them and the other of whom embezzeled 1/2 million from his company, I might question their parenting. The picture of their family would not be the goal I set for mine. I am imperfect, and I could well end up with children who have struggles–don’t get me wrong. But that is not my goal. And so I seek out parenting role-models and mentors from among those whose relationships with their children I admire. I do not seek out those who have very serious problems in their relationships with their children–to the point that there is no relationship–as my parenting examples.

So how is it that the Ezzos continue to be popular?? I mean, they’re teaching us how to have the ideal family, right? How to put in the right circumstances in order to get the perfect outcome. And yet, look at their outcome!

So for those who are looking for help as they parent their infants, toddlers, young children, adolescents, teenagers–I would encourage you to do two things instead of running to the Ezzos. First, find someone you know personally–someone whose life you can watch. Someone who will speak to you honestly and be open about their successes and their failures. But also find someone whose family you want to be like. When you look at their family, it does not have to be perfect, but there should be admirable qualities there.

The other morning I HAD to run the vacuum. We’ve rearranged some furniture in our house, and all kinds of dust bunnies came hopping out from under bookshelves and sofas. We were being over-run by them (it isn’t just real rabbits that reproduce at amazing rates!), and the house had to be vacuumed. As I was crawling around, poking the vacuum hose into various corners and crevices, DD3 said, “Mommy, I need you!” “Not now,” I replied. “Let me finish vacuuming.” So DD3 sulked off, plopped on the sofa and inserted one thumb into her mouth and the other index finger into her “nana” (bellybutton) and stared at me, sullenly. And the phrase “demand-attention” flashed into my mind.

It raced me back about ten years to when that was a phrase no mother I associated with wanted to have used in the same sentence as her child’s name. “Demand-attention” children were to be avoided at all costs, at least within Ezzo circles. And yet, this morning, as I tried to figure out how to keep DD3 occupied while I finished my vacuuming, and hopefully moved on to other chores, I thought, “Where does this so-called demanding nature come from?”

The Ezzos would have you believe it is a part of our sinful nature that infants and children are demanding. And it is something that they must be trained out of. They may be right. I mean, there were no infants in the garden, so we don’t really know what a perfect infant would have been like. (And no, the line in “Away in a Manger,” which says, “The little Lord Jesus, no crying he makes,” is not our model of a perfect infant.) But lets suppose for a minute that there had been an infant in the garden. We all know that watches had not been invented yet, so obviously Eve could not have fed her infant every three hours. And there really couldn’t have been a lot of crying between feedings–this was a perfect world, remember?? So what could she have done? Fed the baby according to its hunger cues, maybe? Which Gary Ezzo fondly calls “demand feeding.” If the baby never demanded attention, it would’ve starved. It wouldn’t have had the ability to kindly place it’s tiny newborn hand politely on Eve’s shoulder and said, “Mommy, I’m hungry now. May I please have a little breastmilk?”

If you demand-feed your baby, Gary says, you’ll end up with a toddler who demands attention. And yet, isn’t that what toddlers need? Our attention? If you don’t give your toddler attention, she may end up trying on your nail polish, like DD3 did when she was two and I was ignoring her. You know that feeling…that “wait a minute…it sure is quiet…that CAN’T be good…” and the ensuing racing around the house trying to find said toddler. One of mine gave himself a haircut when he did not have my attention. One scribbled on the wall. One used a sharpie to decorate my chair. It is the nature of a toddler to demand attention. How else can they learn? They explore, create (yes, even on fingernails, hair, walls, chairs), feel, taste, squish, bounce, and lick the world around them. And everything they explore gets filed away in their brains, and they learn more about the world around them. And if we aren’t paying attention, they’ll get into mischief. And we’ll miss a lot of joy, watching them learn and teaching them about the world. They absolutely demand our attention! It is how they form their world-view, and how they figure out who they are and how they relate to everything and everyone around them. And I think it is by design that they do so, not due to their sinful nature. (I’m not denying that nature, by the way….) God has designed toddlers and young children to need that intense attention so that their parents are engaged in their world–attending, caring, training and nurturing them along. And as most grandmothers would say, it is also why God gives children to people when they young and energetic!!

And on that note, I’m preparing myself for when DD3 wakes up, busy, cheerful, chatty and demanding my attention! And I’m determined to shed my previous mindset that feels annoyed when I want to get things done, and she wants my attention. (And I’m thankful that her brothers are out of school this week and can help entertain her! Tee hee!)

I have been asked to do two things this week. Well, actually a whole lot more than that, if you include the requests to “pick me up at x time from school,” “return a video,” “change an orthodontist’s appointment,” and “wipe my bottom.” But these two things I want to talk about seemed unrelated, and yet they became related in my brain.

First, I was asked to lead a Bible study earlier in the week. The lesson was on the fall of mankind, and we were studying how God in the Genesis account, and Jesus during His ministry, both used questions to show men their self-deception and lead them to honesty about their sin, or to lead men to a deeper faith. Two of the many passages I studied and shared with my group involved the Sabbath. One was Luke 14: 1-6, and the other was Luke 13:10-17. The Luke 13 passage says:

10Now he was teaching in one of the synagogues on the Sabbath. 11And there was a woman who had had a disabling spirit for eighteen years. She was bent over and could not fully straighten herself. 12When Jesus saw her, he called her over and said to her, “Woman, you are freed from your disability.” 13And he laid his hands on her, and immediately she was made straight, and she glorified God. 14But the ruler of the synagogue, indignant because Jesus had healed on the Sabbath, said to the people, “There are six days in which work ought to be done. Come on those days and be healed, and not on the Sabbath day.” 15Then the Lord answered him, “You hypocrites! Does not each of you on the Sabbath untie his ox or his donkey from the manger and lead it away to water it? 16And ought not this woman, a daughter of Abraham whom Satan bound for eighteen years, be loosed from this bond on the Sabbath day?” 17As he said these things, all his adversaries were put to shame, and all the people rejoiced at all the glorious things that were done by him.

The Sabbath was something put in place by God. The Israelites were commanded to keep it holy in the Ten Commandments. God took the Sabbath seriously. Unfortunately, the Pharisees came along and elevated it beyond what was intended or necessary. They were legalistic about keeping the Sabbath and came up with all kinds of extra laws. Their intentions were good, I’m sure–at least initially. But as they added more and more details to the Sabbath-keeping law, it became a burden to the people. Jesus came along and broke the Sabbath, at least according to the Pharisaical standards, in order to do that which was better–care for the health and well being of God’s creations, and ultimately show His glory and draw people to Himself.

The second request this week was to look at a particular blog. The friend who asked me to look at it knows me from my “pro-Ezzo” days and has seen me change over the years. The blog in question belongs to Homeschoolmom (HSM), who tells the story of one of her babies as a newborn in her blog from Monday, November 14, 2005, titled “PART THREE: My ‘New Mommy’ Babywise and La Leche Memory.” This mom mentions that at one of her baby’s checkups, the pediatrician labelled her baby as failure to thrive. For those unfamiliar with this diagnosis, it is very, very serious. Kidshealth.org has this to say about FTT:

Most diagnoses of failure to thrive are made in infants and toddlers - in the first few years of life - a crucial period of physical and mental development. After birth, a child’s brain grows as much in the first year as it will grow during the rest of the child’s life. Poor nutrition during this period can have permanent negative effects on a child’s mental development….If the condition progresses, the undernourished child may:

* become disinterested in his or her surroundings
* avoid eye contact
* become irritable
* not reach developmental milestones like sitting up, walking, and talking at the usual age

Based on the potentially dire consequences, I would prefer to have a pediatrician err on the side of caution when it comes to FTT. HSB tells of her distress and how she wondered what to do, as any mom would. She wisely met with someone from La Leche League and found her technical advice to be very helpful. But she chose not to follow the advice to nurse on demand (or to feed when the baby was hungry).

Second, this mom got Babywise help. Not only did HSB not nurse the baby when it was hungry–she followed the advice of someone who told her to actually become more strict with her schedule! Here is what she says, ” I contacted a mom who had used Babywise with her children and she gave me a STRICT routine to follow for a few weeks. She told me to stick to it without deviating until things were established. My baby and I both cried for several days (and nights) but soon everything clicked.” I’m scratching my head here–and also feeling very sad, knowing I would likely have done the same thing. But here you have a baby with FTT, and someone tells you to feed LESS, and you do it? And your baby screams for food, and still you do it?? Can you see why anti-Ezzo types have a problem with the materials? Although during the time I was a Contact Mom, I don’t think ANY of us would have given that advice, had we known it was a FTT situation, there was definitely a trend to be “more Ezzo than Ezzo.” It was like, the more hoops you could jump through, the more strictly you followed their materials, the more respected you were, in certain (Ezzo) circles. And this kind of Ezzo-legalism was never discouraged.

And last, HSB tells what was her ultimate solution to the FTT diagnosis. ” I got recommendations from breastfeeding moms for pediatricians who are supportive of parents’ rights and choices in the care of their children. We found a doctor who looks beyond the growth charts and instead considers my size, my husband’s size, and how well our babies are developing. He does not pressure us to formula feed OR demand feed. Our babies have all been tall and thin and he does not diagnose them “failure to thrive” when they are developing well and gaining at least one pound per month. ” She didn’t like what her ped said, so she found a new one. One who would not think she was a bad mommy for refusing to feed her child who was hungry enough to be dropping off of the growth charts.

Y’all, I hope I don’t sound like I’m attacking or being unkind to a fellow blogger. But I am so, so, so, so concerned that someone would read her blog and think this is a good, normal way to handle such a serious diagnosis. It is not!!! If your child is failing to grow, your first order of business is to GET THAT CHILD GROWING! Forget order! What does that matter when a child’s health and life are at risk?? What is it that makes someone place such importance on having an orderly life that they’ll put their own child at risk of permanent injury?? I don’t know, but this is a huge reason why so many people are admantly opposed to Ezzo. And it’s why I–a controversy-avoiding, way-past-that-baby-stage, former Contact Mom–is willing to blog about something that may be offensive.

And now, let me tie this second part of my blog to the first. In the first situation, you have the Pharisees taking something God said and applying it to the detriment of God’s own creation–his people. Even if those people are sick and hurting, the Pharisees won’t stand for Jesus stepping in and healing them. The legalistic application of the principle is elevated so high that the well-being of a human, made in God’s own image becomes secondary. And in the second situation, you have the Ezzos, and as a result HSB and other moms taking something God said about order in 1 Corinthians 14:40 (”All things should be done decently and in order”) and applying it to the detriment of God’s own creation. (Nevermind that this was said about order during worship services. And even though HSB never did quote this passage, it is foundational for the Ezzos.) Even though a baby is sick and hurting, the Ezzos (and those who follow them) won’t stand for pediatricians stepping in and healing them. The legalistic application of the principle is elevated so high that the well-being of a human, made in God’s own image becomes secondary. And that, my friends, is a big problem.

And so it is with humility, because I’ve been there, done that, that I encourage anybody who is determined to follow Ezzo to please, please place the needs of that baby, made in God’s image, knitted lovingly in the womb, above any principle taught by fallible man.