Delayed Gratification…The Irony
A few weeks ago, I had the honor of posting over on Adventures in Mercy about the changes in my parenting style from a punitive paradigm to a grace-based one. I had some awesome comments over there, and I wanted to discuss one of them further. Ruth said, “Here’s a question for all the folks that have dealt with Ezzo/Pearl parenting - is there a way/should I talk with friends who just love the books and parenting style given there? And I don’t want to come across as I’m right you’re wrong and mean to your little ones, especially considering the fact that sometimes mine are a bit wild and like to holler and run in church/store/wherever and aren’t exactly the model of obedience that the books strive for.”
Back in some of my Ezzo materials–Growing Kids God’s Way, I assume–there was this cute little story that Gary told. He would put a marshmallow in front of a kid. He would tell the kid that if he would wait to eat the marshmallow, then when he (Gary) returned in five minutes, he would give the kid two marshmallows! Amazingly, the GKGW trained kids were able to muster the self-control to wait it out and receive the second marshmallow. As opposed to those poor AP kids, I assume, who stuffed the one marshmallow into their greedy little mouths the second he left the room. The point being that we were teaching our kids how to delay an immediate gratification in exchange for something better.
Here’s the irony in that. As Ruth said, she’d love to share the great things she has learned about grace-based parenting, but her children don’t behave up to the Ezzo’s standards. And that is a problem. What Ezzo parent is willing to have a child who is more…expressive, open, willing to explore, and less easy to manage in the short term? None, I can bet. The goal is to have obedient children…now! Not thoughtful children down the road. The goal is to hear a “yes ma’am,” and obedience “right away, all the way, and with a happy heart,” not to have a toddler who thinks for himself, stomps a foot or two or ten, and who is strong and self-confident standing up for himself as a teenager. Ezzo parents aren’t willing to go the difficult route for the sake of what they might find down the road. That feels too risky–too dangerous–too ungodly. And yet, they miss out on seeing their child’s real personality develop–on helping along a childish exuberance, an adolescent strength, and a teenage confidence–because they have got to have control–complete control–of their tiny children.
Take a look at Gary’s own family, for example. He and Anne Marie had excellent control over their young daughters, which is why they were asked to start teaching parenting classes in the first place. Their well-behaved girls were a testimony to their parenting skills. Or were they? Now both girls are estranged from the Ezzos, and Gary and Anne Marie moved all the way to the opposite coast from their daughters. They had excellent immediate results, but is their family what I want for mine down the road?
Not that parenting in a way opposite of the Ezzos is a guarantee of a great relationship down the road, either, of course.
I just find it ironic that those who are into the Ezzo’s material are so hung up on the behavior of infants, toddlers, preschoolers, school-aged kids as a mark of good parenting. They can’t see that they are wanting a reward and they want it now!
In other words, these parents haven’t learned about delayed gratification–doing what may be more difficult in the immediate (allowing more freedom for a toddler, for example) in order to potentially reap greater results down the road. Ironic, huh?
January 14th, 2008 at 12:33 pm
I think this basically summed up how DH & I differ in our thinking about parenting: he is very much like the Ezzo way of doing things (wants instant obedience) and I’m more apt to allow freedoms that he would go crazy seeing. Not that we don’t both want the best for our kids, but he’s away at work all day, and when he comes home, he wants peace, which I can understand. But, I don’t want robots for kids. And you have a good point: instant obedience may be good in the short term, but all it teaches kids in the long term is how to follow, not think for themselves.
January 14th, 2008 at 1:40 pm
That is SUCH a good observation. We want our children to reach a higher level of maturity than WE have…
I was just talking about this with a friend in relation to the Pearls. Rewarding every infraction with a swift physical retribution only made me the biggest Toddler. There was no need to learn patience, gentleness, kindness on my part, or to even recognize the lack thereof. All I needed was the rod, and I’d get my way (which was the same thing as God’s way, since I was the authority). This sort of parenting stunts the parents just as much as it does the children.
January 14th, 2008 at 2:04 pm
Fantastic post. Been thinking about this a lot lately. On one hand I can see the goodness in immediate obedience- safety issues for example. I do want my children to come when called without discussion, not because I don’t want to explain why I need them, but because there very well could be the occasion where the car is coming toward them and there isn’t time to explain. But of course, not all issues are as dramatic as that. And there is the whole aspect that I too am working toward immediate and complete obedience to God- which really swings both ways in this discussion. I get the whole concept behind what many say about our children learn about obeying God through obeying us….but on the other hand couldn’t they learn about obeying God by watching me obey God? Should the stress of immediate, 100%, first time, cheerful obedience be on me and not on them? It seems that would make a much more lasting impression upon their lives than simply learning to obey me.
My children are still very young, and I so desire to hear how people who have raised children (who perhaps now are raising children of their own) did things and how it all turned out. Like you point out with the Ezzos-things didn’t finish well for them.
So practically, what does this parenting with grace look like with toddlers? How does one balance the need for independence in them with the need for obedience and honor in the home? How do we convey this to small children without simply making them obey because we can?
I think you are exactly right about the immediate gratification vs. delayed. But there are things that do have to happen now and not 20 years later and that is where I struggle. Figuring out what matters now and what doesn’t, and once I know how do I implement instruction and discipline with an eye towards the end results- not just how they behave at Bible study.
January 14th, 2008 at 6:48 pm
Chewymom, I am THAT Ruth, thanks for taking the time here to discuss my question a bit more! My husband says that when our kids our older, they’ll be the ones telling the Ezzo-ed ones what to do. =) I am finding so much that ABC makes XYZ just doesn’t work with our little ones (ie spank until you hear the “repentant” cry, spank at the first infraction without finding out WHY, make all the decisions so I don’t have to argue with my toddler about THEIR opinion - yes, I had a dear friend who is a bigtime GKGW person/teacher tell me about the red cup/blue cup analogy and even then I didn’t really get it and my husband REALLY didn’t like it). Thanks for your encouragement to other parents and ME. Tonight I’m headed to a baby shower for my daughter’s Sunday School teacher. This is mom-to-be’s first baby, and a few weeks ago I asked her if she’d had any parenting advice given to her. Yes, was her answer, and then why, what was mine? After having read your entry and other’s at Adventures in Mercy, I felt emboldened enough to say “well, I’d be careful about books like Babywise” Ahh, oh no, somebody had just given her the book to read! I gave her just a few warnings about it, and have been praying if anything more should be shared (like my Dr Sears Attachement Parenting book) =) Maybe I’ll share your blog with her too….. Thanks for taking some time to discuss my question!
January 15th, 2008 at 2:25 pm
I am not familiar with this model, but I was raised in a “do whatever” home and went the opposite in my parenting. The do whatever (which is not what I think you are saying-just what I was raised with) has caused me great pain in too many ways to go into here. I went the opposite. I can see how being strict and having kids be respectful can go to a bad extreme too. It’s such a hard balance!!! I now have an adopted son that rebels to no end. I wish I could find a style that works well for him. He is the one that will eat the marshmallow and steal the bag, place it in his room, eat it until he’s sick. Such a struggle!
Blessings,
Debbie aka The Real World Martha
January 17th, 2008 at 9:56 am
I needed to read this, thanks so much! We’ve really been struggling with power struggles with our 4 yo and *I* haven’t been handling them well. I love my intense, spirited child and I’m so glad she has those qualities (and I know this will be even more true when she’s a teenager) but sometimes it is possible to get focused on wanting to see immediate improvement (or immediate cessation of certain behaviors) and find yourself thinking of methods to extinguish certain negative behaviors… when I suddenly realize that maybe it’s more about me, and how I handle it and model better behavior for her. And when I changed my focus, we immediately had a better day, when I chose not to be a “victim” of her immature behavior, but met her where she was and attempted to scaffold her in a fun and respectful way.
January 18th, 2008 at 8:12 pm
May I post this (or YOU post it) at awareparent.net? If you don’t already know, it’s a site where most of the parentsplace debaters continue to spread the word about GKGW.
February 21st, 2008 at 5:18 pm
Thank you for your insight and courage. Parenting is labor intensive and requires forsight and grace and mercy. GKGW is to me, the most devisive and unloving thing to hit the church in decades. I was bombarded with GKGW 20 years ago and politely refused. My “strong willed” 20 year old is a junior in college and is and has always been a gem of a kid and now a young man. My 17 year old daughter is Autistic and has a rare chromosomal disorder. She has many struggles and they have caused a lot of unwanted “advice” over the years from GKGW “followers”. I can’t help but cringe at the thought of one of these devout “followers” having a child like mine who could never “first time obey”. I’ve even had GKGW devoutees make comments like “I could never cope with a child like that”….. I wish I would have said what I was thinking at the time…”Thank God, for the child that He didn’t entrust them to you………”