Enough About Cows…Do We Have to be Kind to Our Kids??
Our pastor preached this past Sunday on encouraging words. He read Ephesians 4:29, “Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear.”
There was a section of his sermon that was so encouraging and convicting to me. He addressed how we speak to our children when we correct them. Here is what he said:
There are times when our encouraging words are words of warning. There are times when our encouraging words are actually words of admonition–correction. Those words might correct and build someone back towards seeking God. Our danger–my danger–is doing that and forgetting the gospel. One of the ways I do that the worst is in the way I parent my children.
How often do I go to correct one of my children for sin in their life, and I give them them law, which is appropriate, I tell them what they’ve done wrong, I tell them how they need to change their life, and I leave them. That fails what Paul tells us to do. We gave them the law. We’re being Pharisees. We’re leaving them under Moses. And we are to leave them under Jesus.
Instead what I ought to do is to say, “Son, this is a pattern in your life. I keep seeing you do it over and over, and it’s got to stop. It’s got to change.” But, you see, if I leave it there…he already knows he’s a sinner. He knows he’s a failure, but he needs words of encouragement.
And I need to say, “You feel like a failure right now in this area, and you are. That’s why Jesus came, is to take people who are failures and to forgive you and to change you. And God is committed to that. That’s why He sent His Spirit to live in you. So, accept the forgiveness of God. Rejoice that He loves you right now, in the midst of your sin. But step out in hope of the transforming sanctifying grace of God.” And instead of being left in despair, there’s hope. “I can change!!” And I can say, “In five years, we’re going to look back on this and say, ‘How you’ve changed!!’”
Our words must be purposeful. They must be marked by grace. They must carry the gospel with them.
For years, my dh and I would do the first part, saying, “You’ve got to change!” And then it would be followed with chastisement or grounding or whatever. Even now, our tendency is to leave it there although usually without the chastisement. But still to leave our children under the law and without hope. We tend to try to come up with a fair punishment for their crimes. A price for them to pay for their wrongdoing. I pray that we will begin to leave our children under the hope of the gospel as we walk them through their sin and wrongdoing. To show them that Christ paid the price. That doesn’t mean there never needs to be a consequence for wrongdoing–sometimes that is appropriate and good as a teaching tool. But they need to hear the hope in our voice and the encouragement, even as we address difficult issues in their lives.
CM
P.S. I filed this under “GFI” in my categories….Isn’t this completely opposite of what Gary teaches? Gary has us leave our children under the law, unless of course, you believe that the spanking is what brings hope to the child. Oh, and our pastor and his wife are ex-GFI users, too. They’ll tell you “it worked for our first child who was compliant by nature, but our second is a whole different story!”
September 1st, 2005 at 6:41 pm
Wow! Thanks for sharing that. That’s a big challenge, but it is so true.
Carla
September 2nd, 2005 at 12:02 am
Oh now CM, why did you have to go and post THAT?????? *big wink*
This is an area in which we struggle mightily. I appreciate your pastor’s thoughts very much, and I especially appreciate that he expressed how to “flesh out” the principles.
Thanks for sharing this!