GKGW Kids Can’t Play Soccer
One Saturday morning at 8:30 a.m., I found myself watching yet another of DS8’s soccer games. They are always fun to watch, although this particular morning it was awfully cold! I think fall had finally arrived here in the south. I wore shorts. I didn’t know. I froze.
Anyway, I was watching DS8 play, and thinking how far he’s come since last year. He is much more aggressive, and he really goes after the ball. I know you aren’t supposed to compare kids, but bear with me for a minute while I do.
When DS14 was 8, we were entrenched in GFI. Pulling out slightly, but still parenting much in that way. Now, I’m betting that all of us would agree that it is a good thing to have nice, polite children. And that it is our job as parents to teach our children to be kind and all. When DS14 was little, we worked very, very hard to teach him to be kind. If DS14 did anything that we perceived was selfish in any way, he was corrected. He was taught to defer everything to others. If he wanted something (a red cup) we taught him that it was wrong to want that and gave him something else (blue cup). We were establishing our authority so that he would not rebel and so that we would not lose control of him. We were “parenting inside the funnel.” DS14 had to share all of his toys, he had to obey “right away, all the way, and with a happy heart,” and he was not allowed to disagree with us.
And then we signed him up for soccer. We yelled from the sidelines, “Get the ball!” “Go after it!!” “Take it away!!” We told him that if the other team had the ball, he was to steal it. If they were going one direction, he was to aggressively turn it around. And we watched as DS14 (then eight) stood timidly back and “politely” let the other team run all over the place. He was hesitant and unsure. He did not want to take the ball away–that was unkind. He wasn’t comfortable getting in the way of an opponent about to score a goal. That was not considering others before himself. He was a very kind, polite, and uncompetitive soccer player. (I am happy to report that DS14 has found his competitive edge in many sports, soccer included, and he is does just fine!)
So I was pondering the differences between my sons as young soccer players. DS8, although very kind and tenderhearted by nature, has not had that drilled into his head as much as DS14 did. He has not been trained to defer every want and desire and urge. He has gained a confidence in himself that I think DS14 did not have at that age. And (I think) as a result, he can confidently and aggressively play soccer, even at age eight.
And so I am wondering…if you work really hard to have compliant children who always defer their desires to others, can they play sports well? Can they understand how to “change personalities” and become an aggressive person? Is what I’ve witnessed in my own kids a typical experience of former GFI families?
September 8th, 2006 at 12:18 pm
I’m not a GFI-er (past or present), so I’ll stay very much on the sidelines here, but I do know
a GFI family who takes things pretty far…the kids are not allowed to play any competitive
sports or games, period, since the parents don’t want to emphasize anyone winning “over”
another. Guess that’s one way of dealing with the disconnect…
September 8th, 2006 at 12:54 pm
That is interesting. When we were heavily in GFI, we didn’t do competitive sports, but it was really because of the evil peer influence. We didn’t want our kids sitting on the bench in baseball, waiting for their turn, and having their moral innocence corrupted.
September 8th, 2006 at 1:19 pm
So—who has learned more thru the years—you or your kids? By the way, what is GFI? It’s not in my vocabulary.
September 9th, 2006 at 3:19 pm
Well, that’s an interesting thought all together. I’ve been wondering a little bit along the same lines as this, but from a different perspective. I was brought up before GFI, but I was not allowed to ever think of myself first, ever. Example: “one rule was when company comes we must always share our thinks and never be first. Always let the guest choose and be first at anything. but when we went somewhere the rule was changed: never be pushy and insist on playing what you want, always let the host choose and be first to show you how. you are at their home, don’t go being rude. In other words - always put everyone first.” OK, there’s politeness, then there is down right becoming a doormat and becoming someone with the lowest self-esteem on the face of the earth, never knowing when it’s OK to stick up for myself. It took me many years to “come out of my shell”. I was also never allowed to ‘talk back’ even if it meant not being allowed to defend myself. I was always told why I did something and where my heart was in the situation, never asked or allowed to explain what had happened from my end. Total submission.
We are trying very hard to keep our children from ever feeling like this.
September 9th, 2006 at 5:05 pm
GFI=Growing Families International. Gary Ezzo’s for-profit “ministry.”
Smocklady, that is the direction we were headed. We worked hard to teach our children to defer to others. We still do to an extent, but not to the extreme. It is a fine line between being thoughtful and considering others before ourselves and just becoming an irrelevant person whose thoughts and feelings never count. I so want to guard against the latter–that must be a very difficult thing to overcome.
September 11th, 2006 at 3:26 pm
There is a huge trend away from being competitive, because it’s seen as being somewhat “mean”. The thing that I’ve noticed as a martial arts instructor is that I have yet to hear the parents of a child who wins a lot come up to me and say, “You know, we are really not competitive-type people. We’d really like it if you could somehow figure out a way that sparring and grappling could be less competitive. Does someone always have to win?” Instead, it’s usually the parents of the child who never wins who complains.
I say this as one of those kids who never won. Ever. At anything. But I still see the value of healthy competition — as opposed to the ugly stuff we’d all rather do without. It never dawned on me that everyone should change the rules so that I could feel like a “winner”. Frankly, I would have found that insulting.
Interesting point you brought up. I’ve already observed a lack of initiative and problem-solving in quite a few GFI kids. They seem to need someone to tell them what to do quite specifically, and seem afraid of making mistakes.
September 12th, 2006 at 6:10 pm
We have been involved with GFI since our boys were very young. They are now 15+ and 17+.
Both are involved in sabre fencing at the national level (3+ years) and one is competing in
Poland at the Mens Cadet Worlds this coming weekend.
There are a number of coaches who praise them because they can see our children know how
to think without having to always be “led or directed.” (We have no fencing team or
coach; we drive out of state once a month for time with a team). Our boys are able to mix
in with fencers from all over the country, whether on the dance floor doing hip-hop or
talking about school and cars. Our older son learned how to play paintball when he was 13 at National GFI Leader camp and loved it. They all played hard and worked as teams in a competitive way.
If you feel your children could benefit from being on a soccer team, baseball team, or any
team, go for it. Help them develop initiative if they don’t have it yet. Help them learn
how to meet other kids and how to join in a group playing pick up basketball. Help them
develop a skill like ours boys developed their fencing talents, through videotaping them or
going to a national level camp where they will meet other kids from different kinds of
homes. Competitition is not mean. Keeping your child from competiting in a sport and abiding
by the rules - learning the rules and following them - caring for team mates and coaches -
those are important life skills.
September 13th, 2006 at 4:56 am
Hi Barbara,
Have your boys ever participated in team sports, where they actually practiced with others their own age?
I ask this because of my observation of the paranoia surrounding GFI families I have known (and once was) about their children being around other kids. I just found it interesting that the sport in which your kids excel is one where they don’t have to be around others their age–except for the “like-minded” kids at the GFI camp.
And thanks for the advice on our kids joining a team, etc. Thankfully, we’re way past our GFI days, and we long ago began team sports, so they are learning excellent skills and sportsmanship.
September 13th, 2006 at 5:14 am
[...] DS14, after reading one of my blog entries where I talk about that organization. by chewymom @ 5:14 am. Filed under This and That [link] [...]
September 19th, 2006 at 9:47 pm
Sorry I was not able to reply until now. We returned from Poland yesterday and back to our
home state today.
Have our boys ever played in team sports: yes. They played volleyball; I am not sure I would
count that one, however, as it was with a “homeschool” team. Now they HAVE played Team Sabre
where there are 3-4 members of a fencing team (like a 4 man relay team only a sabre team).
Each man fences another player on another team up to 5 points and then they turn the fencing
over to the next player, etc. until one team wins 45 points.
Our guys wish they had a fencing team to fence with, as, obviously, one needs other fencers
to fence with. We do travel out of state and down to Atlanta to fence with a club coached by
the US 2004 Olympic coach. When they are there, yes, they are around other kids their age.
They are around kids all ages there, actually. I think you may be wondering if they have been
on a team like a youth baseball team ages 12-13 or that sort of thing. The answer is no. But
not because we “forbid” them when they were younger or now. Christoher tried out for a
basketball team and made the team. It was a travel team. However, he came to see that his
life would revolve around this team and so would our family life, and he did not want to do
that. Bryan went to Poland this weekend to fence in the Mens Cadet World Championships. There
were 11 young men ages 15-16 on his team. There were 131 fencers in the event, from all over
Eastern Europe. Part of working on a team like this is to learn how to work together, etc. He
was on USA Team II for the team competition, and it was interesting to watch the 3 teams see
how they were different/similar and how they learned to work together. I think our boys have
always felt that the most important thing was to have fun, to learn, and when on a team, no
matter what the age(s) of the participants, to work together. We used to play “broom ball” in
our front yard, as a family, with just the 4 of us. They enjoyed that more than going to a
lot to play “organized” ball…
Barbara
September 20th, 2006 at 3:06 pm
Hmmm. Can a dad comment on this blog?
We have four GFI raised boys, all are very competetive and win driven. They also
extremely polite, graceous and giving. I am pretty sure the topic is all about the
parent and not the GFI material. Just a thought. I know many non-GFI kids who are
so shy and bewildered by other kids they are paralized when it comes to playing any
kind of sport. Parents are there to teach children, an aspect of life that takes
time, commitment and consistency adn can’t really be blamed on a parenting curriculum.
Keith
September 20th, 2006 at 3:30 pm
Hi Keith,
Certainly, Dads are welcome to comment! My main point is that GFI fosters an inability to make decisions and a lack of confidence. I was speaking somewhat tongue-in-cheek, as obviously that would be quite a broad generalization to say that NO kid raised with GKGW principles can ever play a team sport.
The other issue, of course, is the mentality present in GFI families of paranoia about having their kids around other kids. They might hear something on the bench and corrupt their moral innocence.
GFI families out there can deny this, and I know they probably will, but I was heavily involved in GFI and I know this to be true. I don’t even know if Community Schools still exist (goodness, I hope not), but they were a perfect example of how downright silly the Ezzos and their ilk were about protecting their children from evil unbelieving (and believing-but-non-GFI) children. Unless you live in a very large GFI community, it is quite difficult to only allow your children to be around “like-minded” kids, but also to play on a sports team!
September 29th, 2006 at 1:33 pm
A slightly delayed reaction as I’m just catching your blog now. Just wondering how much birth order and personality play into this. My eldest is more timid by nature and so naturally holds back on the soccer field (but thankfully is learning to be more aggressive). On the other hand my bubbly tomboy middle child is thrilled to do anything involving action and doesn’t hesitate to get out there and play. I’ve never considered that the principles that GFI espouses would play into that kind of thing. Then again, I’m not an ultra-conservative (which most of my GFI peers seem to be), I send my kids to public schools and do not follow the “GFI program” to the letter. I’m just hoping you aren’t identifying all the perceived negatives in your children’s development as being caused by your involvement with the Ezzo’s (although I do agree it’s important to evaluate *any* system critically and applaud you sharing your evaluations post-GFI).