High Culture
I had the pleasure of getting together with some of my awesome friends from Atlanta recently, and as we chatted the topic turned to a family we all knew–one I have had no contact with since we left Atlanta six-plus years ago. This family has three children–two girls and a boy–who are probably around the ages of 13, 11, and 9. The parents are extremely well-educated and intellectual. Years ago, when we knew them fairly well, they had shared with us their standards for their family.
The girls took (and I believe still do take) ballet lessons. They listen to only classical music in their home. And by only classical, I really mean that. No praise music, etc. They changed churches because they wanted one more in-line with their views on high culture. Their son (the youngest at about age nine) still has room time (an Ezzo-practice) where he listens to classical music while he plays with his army men.
Even though they have a teenager and a pre-teen, their girls have that wholesome, Ivory-girl look to them. Very modest clothing, long hair, no makeup. They do not push their boundaries, sneak modern music into the home, beg for push-up bras and little camis, or talk of boyfriends. They truly seem to be immune from the culture.
So as my friends and I discussed this, we partially lamented how much our children are affected and influenced by the culture. We wondered how this family has pulled off this feat, so far, of keeping their children innocent and immune, while we all struggle with kids who push the limits. Maybe it is the message in the pop music that fills our kids’ ears. Maybe it’s the television, or their neighborhood friends. One of the moms in particular was sharing how painfully awkward it was for her family to be around this sheltered family, because her girls who are pretty much the same ages are in the throes of typical-teenage stuff. Wearing gaudy makeup and too-tight tops, pushing the limits and driving my friend to the bring of insanity as she constantly corrects and tries to encourage better choices. My friend feels judged and pitied by this other family for the struggles she faces and for not having chosen a higher moral path.
So I’ve mulled this over, and I realized something that was just bugging me about the whole “innocence thing.” For some families, it is simply a matter of preference. They want to pass along their love of a certain culture. They hope to instill a love of the arts. They are fed up with our plastic-loving, made-in-China-obsessed society. And there, they have my sympathy. But for others it becomes a spiritual thing. A badge of Christian honor. A sign of superior spirituality and taking the high moral road.
And while innocent children who love classical music and are untainted by the society around them sounds and looks “Christian,” is it really? Is it ultimately a closer picture of Jesus to look like an Ivory commercial? Or imagine this–a teenage boy with long hair and a skate board. His parents have (oh the horror) allowed him to have a pierced ear. He dresses in t-shirts with edgy phrases. He walks with a swagger. And every day he screws up in some way. Curses, maybe. Lusts. And daily he is driven to Jesus because he sees his messed up self and knows he cannot change on his own. He loves people and is patient with others who are messed up. He has tons of non-Christian friends–he is not threatening to them and does not judge. He just loves with a Christ-like love.
Given a choice, I’d take the latter child over the former. The innocent one might look more spiritual and might make me look better. But that appearance of spirituality is just that–an appearance. Perfect kids have no need of a savior. They never mess up. They are above the temptations of the world, and they can look down on society in general for being so messed up, while they possess all of the fruit of the spirit rolled up in a nice, neat package.
And if I’m really honest, my family is actually neither the perfect, spiritual, innocent one nor the sinful-but-loving-Jesus one. We’re somewhere in between. We waffle between being caught up in the world and loving our neighbors as Jesus loves us. As parents, Chewydad and I fluctuate between protecting our kids’ innocence and letting them experience the world in which we find ourselves. It’s a balancing act, and one we’re not too good at, as we teeter back and forth. But I know we have been the family with the perfectly-behaved kids whose primary goal was to KEEP THEM INNOCENT, and I do not want to go back. Because the fact for me was that there was a huge amount of pride caught up in that lifestyle. And a complete misunderstanding of the gospel, because we had no need of it.
So as I think about this one family, I guess my conclusion is that if they are living this lifestyle just because it is the choice they have made for their family, then more power to them. But if it has spiritual roots or a Christian label on it, then woe to them, for they missing the heart of the gospel. And that is a shame for their own children who might grow up thinking they are nice, good little Christians based on their appearance of godliness. And it is a shame for the society in which they find themselves, because they are not really a part of that society, and so the people around them miss the opportunity to know Jesus through them.
July 16th, 2008 at 9:59 am
Wow, this was beautifully written. There’s so much here to think about.
It is a terrible mistake to think about high culture as somehow redemptive. After studying classical music for many years, the more you dig into composers’ lives, the more messed up stuff you find. Music is beautiful and should be treasured, but it’s not a pathway to God.
I hope our children love beautiful music (classical, popular, folk, rock, whatever genre!) and books and art, but those earthly things can’t redeem them.
July 16th, 2008 at 11:22 am
While I agree (totally!) that culture cannot save, there is also a real treasure in having children who don’t rebel and who are guarded and guided from the influences of culture. That isn’t to say that they shouldn’t learn about it, but learning doesn’t have to be synonymous with experiencing.
Our son, 23, just got married. For both he and his fiance, this is their first romantic relationship. Neither has even kissed someone else. There is a treasure in this, a treasure they may not even realize, but a treasure none the less.
I think that we often are so concerned that our children “experience” culture as if there is some value in that. I’m not sure there is.
July 16th, 2008 at 12:03 pm
I completely agree with you, Chewymom!!!!! Of course anytime sin is avoided it’s a good thing, BUT a lifestyle that allows a family to feel pride at their personal avoidance of outward sins usually doesn’t do the kids much long-term good. I was a very “good” girl when I was younger, and without realizing it I was pretty proud of myself. Sin was never something I really experienced in myself, at least not the “big” ones. Now of course no parent should throw their child to the wolves in the hope that they’ll sin and get closer to God, Paul even addresses that in Romans. BUT, a thin veneer of innocence on the outside can do more harm by innoculating children to real grace than having children who struggle with normal things and consistently run to Jesus with it. While I long for my daughter to walk closely with God and stay on His path, I also would rather her fall a bit and grow more authentic and closer to Him because of it than realize in her twenties that she doesn’t know God or grace because she’s never done anything to make her feel her need of Him.
July 17th, 2008 at 6:48 am
Then again. . . I do believe God is faithful to His children. And those who have an appearance of innocence and perfection, though they may go many years without really knowing, experiencing their profound need for Christ — I believe God will allow sin to rear its ugly head in their lives at some point, driving them to their knees and exposing their need for Him.
Sometimes the sin struggles are internal. They are there, but are hidden from others. I also believe that eventually (prayerfully) God will break the veneer of perfection, and as grace is more deeply understood it will be “safer” to discard the veneer and be transparent with others about struggles, sins, and our need for God’s grace daily.
July 17th, 2008 at 6:52 am
Thanks Joanna, That’s our goal–teach our children to love and appreciate ALL of that. And from there, they can form their own opinions about what they prefer.
Robin, I guess what I would ask is WHAT is the treasure in getting married at 23 and never having kissed someone? Why is that a treasure, but experiencing the culture in which they live is of no value? I’m not trying to be snarky, but I am trying to understand what gives one thing value over the other.
Emily, YES teaching our kids to avoid sin is a goal I think any Christian parent would and should strive toward. I think in the family I was writing about, there are things they would define as “sinful” that have no Scriptural basis–like pop music (or even Christian contemporary music, for that matter), sports, and certain ways of dressing. And I guess that’s what really rubbed me the wrong way–placing spiritual virtue on things that are actually just a matter of preference. And as a first-born who was “perfect,” I can say my faith has matured and deepened immensely as I have allowed myself to fail more and to see that failure. Once I let the facade go, grace stepped in….
July 17th, 2008 at 7:14 am
I guess I don’t see the value in having sinned. The value is in having not sinned. Yes, everyone sins. My son sins. But he has avoided sexual sins by remaining celibate (completely so) until he married. What is the value in sinning? Paul tells us in Romans that using grace as a reason to sin is wrong. When we can help our children avoid sin, there are many other things they avoid in the process . . . the consequences of sin. Will they still sin? Yes! But is hoping they sin so that they can experience grace a good thing? I guess that’s what I got out of what you wrote. Probably I misinterpreted it and for that I apologize. Maybe just a bad day for me.
July 17th, 2008 at 3:34 pm
Robin, I don’t think any of the things I mentioned are sin. Maybe that’s where we are misunderstanding each other. Being involved in the culture does not equal sin! I guess I’m just…confused. I have no idea where I encouraged sin in any way. What I hopefully DID say is that avoiding our current culture does not make a person more spiritual. And that IF my child struggles with sin as he is involved in the culture, but his sin drives him to Jesus, that is a GOOD thing. Not that I would ever encourage him to sin. But even the “high culture” person–or the person who never kisses anyone, or who only wears loose-fitting clothes, or the person who listens solely to classical music–sins. Sometimes those who live perfectly on the outside don’t recognize their sin, as they work so hard to shun the culture in which they live. Somehow that becomes equated with being a “good Christian” in their mind, and they look with pity at those who do things like dress stylishly and listen to popular music. It’s not that I would encourage my child TO sin, but when he does sin, I would rejoice if he recognized it and it made him run to Christ. It is easier to help the sinner who beats his breast and cries “Have mercy on me Oh Lord” to see his need of a savior than to help the sinner who says, “Thank God I’m not like THOSE people.” At least that has been my experience as a Christian and as a mom.
July 17th, 2008 at 9:29 pm
I’m hearing you honey and as more often than not totally get what you are saying and agreeing. Thanks for making my tired brain think.
July 18th, 2008 at 9:50 pm
One thing about not managing to pull off perfection: it makes you so much more approachable to other people when they have troubles and need support.
When my son got divorced we felt so much shame because in our world, entrenched as we were in the conservative homeschooling movement, careful parenting is supposed to prevent this kind of thing.
But instead of condemnation, people came out of the woodwork to offer support. Especially people who had personal experience with the mess that surrounds divorce and betrayal. Pillars of our church shared stories about their own early first marriages and divorces. My initial reaction was “WHAT??? You were married before??? But you’re so perfect!!!” I was shocked to learn that several marriages I assumed to be first and always marriages were actually second marriages. That were now 25 or 30 or more years long.
God is a redeeming God. When Plan A doesn’t work out, He’ll take Plan B and make it Plan A.
I don’t wish hurt and pain and mistakes and sin on anyone, and I’d prefer to avoid them myself, and to save my children from them. But since it’s fairly inevitable that hurt and pain and mistakes and sin will befall us and entangle us, I will say this, it is nice to find a redeeming God working in the mess.
July 21st, 2008 at 11:13 pm
Just a thought - pride goeth before a fall. Pride is sinful. If someone is living ‘perfectly’ and ‘without sin’ for the purpose of being more spiritually ’self-righteous’ than others, than that is a form of spiritual ‘pride’, and he will be humbled and brought to his knees by God in some capacity. The rest of the world may never know how or why. It’s not ours to know. Whether we choose to immerse our children in and embrace today’s societal culture, or refute the culture in an effort to retain more innocence, we must always recognize the importance of putting God first. Search your Bible - read the passages in whole with the leadership of the Holy Spirit. Don’t take partial passages and apply them without context just because they fit your reasoning. It’s God’s reasoning that matters. I could go through and cite chapter and verse for a number of issues in which I disagree with society’s mores, and from which I am attempting to protect my children and maintain their innocence until I believe they are more wholly grounded in God and mature enough to be able to make appropriate decisions for their lives. But I don’t believe I am ‘better’ than any of my peers - I just believe in raising my kids in a different manner. My daughter has been ostracized because I don’t allow her to watch a particular popular pre-teen TV show. I don’t disallow it because I feel she is ‘more righteous’ than her peers - I disallow it because I feel that, at age 8, she is a child and not a preteen, and should not yet be so exposed to and immersed in the preteen genre that she should want to ‘grow up’ and experience too much too soon. She should enjoy being an innocent child. If she were eleven or twelve, I would reconsider. Same with the whole home schooling thing. Some say I am over-protecting my children, and that I should let them go to public school with their peers. I have had one preacher who even disagreed with me, having sent his own children to public school because there they could reach more non-churched, potentially non-Christian people. I have heard all the arguments. Yet, I don’t feel that I am a better person than the rest. I am just making the decision that I believe, after much prayer and research, is the best one for my children and my family. God knows the intent of a man’s heart. You may never know whether that ‘high-culture’ family is prideful or not. But you can rest assured that they deal with the same issues that you do in different form. The more things change, the more they stay the same (read C.S. Lewis’ Mere Christianity), and human nature is the same regardless of race or culture. I personally hope that my children will stay sexually pure until marriage. In today’s culture, that becomes increasingly unlikely. I can do my best to teach them my views on that, and back it up with scripture and a heart for God. But at some point, I will be releasing them into the world to have their own experiences and make their own choices. They will sin (don’t we all?), and they will make bad choices, and they will have failures. I will be there to love them and give advice when requested, and, yes, I will judge, because someone has to teach them judgement over their own actions and over the actions of others as directed towards themselves. But through it all, I will pray that the lessons I have taught them about putting God first, respecting self, and loving others will have sunk in and been retained. They are, after all, not just my children, but children on loan to me from God.
July 22nd, 2008 at 9:35 pm
Also, those perfect kids are a roiling mess of imperfections. I looked like one of those kids, too. I never watched TV or saw a movie before college…never so much as kissed a boy or had a date…never listened to music that wasn’t authorized by my father. I was easy pickings for predators and I got trashed, and bad, in the first year I actually left my protective bubble.
It’s taken me all these years (14+) to find out what I believe, make decisions because they are right for me, stop feeling superior because I’ve never done such-and-such. Leaving legalism behind to find the God who died for me (imperfect me!).
I feel really sorry for those kids, actually.
August 24th, 2008 at 10:01 am
I’m with you. I feel very uncomfortable with people who brag about being “Stay-at-home-CHRISTIAN-Moms” as if they are a superior species more pious and more worthy than the rest of us. I feel sorry for their daughters, stuffed into frilly dresses that look like Laura Ashley knock-offs and I feel sorry for their sons in their Sears chinos and short-sleeved button-down shirts with clip-on ties. The look is not attractive but it has become the uniform of a certain type of middle- or upper-middle class child of fundamentalist parents. Children should dress like kids, not like middle-aged folks at a Midwestern Rotary club meeting.
I’m especially sickened by the fathers who become obsessive custodians of their daughters’ virginity. The signed pacts to remain “pure” until marriage, the elaborate ceremonies with exchange of rings have creepy overtones. Girls whose fathers get intrusive about the condition of their hymens are not happy girls, IMHO.
I am a God-fearing person who tries to behave in a way that is moral and decent. I don’t go around boasting about my spiritual superiority and I don’t shun people who chose to believe in a different religion. If everyone tried to be more compassionate and stopped focusing on who is a “better” Christian the world would be a better place.