Mentors and the Ezzos
I can think of many mentors I’ve had through the years. They are all people I have gravitated toward because of something I admired in them. In college, it was a friend who was a year older than me who was leading a Bible study I was in. She was gentle, quiet, kind, and wise. I wanted to be like her.
When DH and I were first married, we moved to California. A couple there, 10 years our senior, took us under their wing. They had us over weekly, and we talked and observed learned. They were examples to us as a young married couple and as parents of their then-two-year-old and newborn. We took mental notes on their parenting in particular, especially when I learned that I was expecting. We admired what they did-we thought their daughter was precious, enjoyable, pleasant, and well-behaved and wanted to learn the ropes.
Fast forward to recently. I had one women whom I considered to be a mentor. I could see that she was a LOT like me in personality. She was about 10 years older than me, and was extremely wise. If only I could be wise like that! She was also my Bible study teacher for several years. I admired the way she had worked through a difficult time with her husband (and I appreciated her honesty about it), and I admired the way she related to other women–with honesty and directness and love.
My point in telling you this is not to bore you to tears. It is to set up what I think most people look for in a mentor. Usually you are looking to someone whose qualities you admire–at least in the area you are hoping to learn from them. For DH and I and the couple in California, we were mostly learning about parenting, and we admired what they were doing and the outcome we saw.
Let me jump forward to this questions: How is it that Gary and Anne Marie Ezzo have set themselves up as teachers on parenting to so many people? Well, at first they were mentors. They were in California and people admired their parent/child relationship with their daughters and wanted to learn from them. They mentored some, then they taught what they knew in Sunday school. From there, they did the hard work of putting it together in a program. And then they went out from under the umbrella of their church and began having many problems.
I have no trouble with the way GFI started–it was a natural progression of events. It was a Titus 2 situation–older women teaching younger women, older men teaching younger men. But now? Well, if I saw a family within my church who had two children, one of whom has no contact with them and the other of whom embezzeled 1/2 million from his company, I might question their parenting. The picture of their family would not be the goal I set for mine. I am imperfect, and I could well end up with children who have struggles–don’t get me wrong. But that is not my goal. And so I seek out parenting role-models and mentors from among those whose relationships with their children I admire. I do not seek out those who have very serious problems in their relationships with their children–to the point that there is no relationship–as my parenting examples.
So how is it that the Ezzos continue to be popular?? I mean, they’re teaching us how to have the ideal family, right? How to put in the right circumstances in order to get the perfect outcome. And yet, look at their outcome!
So for those who are looking for help as they parent their infants, toddlers, young children, adolescents, teenagers–I would encourage you to do two things instead of running to the Ezzos. First, find someone you know personally–someone whose life you can watch. Someone who will speak to you honestly and be open about their successes and their failures. But also find someone whose family you want to be like. When you look at their family, it does not have to be perfect, but there should be admirable qualities there.
February 12th, 2006 at 6:47 pm
ChewyMom: Mentors and the Ezzos
“I have no trouble with the way GFI started?it was a natural progression of events. It was a Titus 2 situation?older women teaching younger women, older men teaching younger men. But now? Well, if I saw a family within my church who had two children,…
February 12th, 2006 at 9:45 pm
Dear Chewymom:
You commented: “I mean, they’re teaching us how to have the ideal family, right? How to put
in the right circumstances in order to get the perfect outcome.”
I have never heard or read the Ezzos say parents would have “the ideal family” if they
followed everything taught in any or all of the GFI materials. This is “your” comment,
which you are certainly free to share, but I must disagree with you. Nor do they say or teach
that we must “put in the right circumstances in order to get the perfect outcome.” Again,
that is “your” comment. I think those two comments do reflect the “desires” and thoughts of
many parents, regardless of whether they use GFI materials or any other materials including
even the Word of God itself. Many parents feel if they can “check the box” then their child
must be “on the right road.” If this is your perception of what the Ezzos taught and now teach,
may I ask how you came to this perception? Based on what specifics principles/teachings in
their materials?
We have been involved with GFI since 1992. We have led every curriculum GFI offers, taught at
Regional and National events, and continue to teach the curriculum in our home. We have
encouraged those in our classes to think biblical principle and focus on “relationship”,
knowing that our children have hearts and desires of their own, and that there is no
“perfect parent” or “perfect child” and God’s standard is to bring our children up in the
training and admoniton of the Lord, not to raise a “perfect” child. We encourage them to
look at other parenting materials, and to study, read and know the Word of God to apply it
to their daily lives.
Sincerely,
Barbara Cheney
February 13th, 2006 at 7:47 am
Hi Barbara! Glad you popped onto my blog!!
Yes, those are MY words about the Ezzos. They come from an 8-year involvement with the Ezzos and their materials. There was a very clear paranoia about how children behaved in front of others. We were “confronted” by the area coordinators (who I asked to be a second pastoral reference) when I applied to be a contact mom. I spent hours/days/weeks/months with the wife of this couple, with several class leaders, and with several contact moms. I (and I was NOT alone) cringed at the thought of being interrupted without the “interrupt rule.” I dreaded my son questioning my authority. I would never admit to (or allow) an extra feeding. Because the focus was on EXTERNALS. There was no emphasis on relationship. How is it knowing our children to demand that each and every one always use the blue cup, even if red is their favorite color?
Barbara, you commented, “We encourage them to look at other parenting materials” I have never heard the Ezzos say that. In fact, I have heard them belittle and malign other parenting programs and practices–especially those of Dr. Sears.
And although you have pulled two sentences out of my blog and questioned them (which I don’t mind!), I would ask you the main point of my blog. Is it really wise to take two people who have run away from two churches, who have had all contact cut off from one of their adult children, who have had their other child involved in something illegal, and make them your role model?? Again I emphasize–the ideal is the older teaching the younger in the context of the immediate church. Not older parents who have serious issues teaching younger ones by selling them materials from which they directly profit financially. I really don’t think that’s what Jesus had in mind in Titus 2.
February 13th, 2006 at 12:24 pm
Dear Chewymom:
Thank you for your reply. In my first reply, I was focusing on the 2 items of your reply that
stood out in particular to me; they were your comment that 1)”So how is it that the Ezzos
continue to be popular?? I mean, they’re teaching us how to have the ideal family, right?
How to put in the right circumstances in order to get the perfect outcome. And yet, look
at their outcome! ”
I think you brought forth some other excellent topics that I think are important as well.:-)
However, my initial thought is disagreement with your two specifics in your first post. May I
graciously say that I do not see after all our years of involvement that the Ezzos would
say they are “teaching us how to have the ideal family” or that they are saying “put in the
right circumstances in order to get the perfect outcome.” And I know that is something that
we have never taught in all our years of involvement either. In other words, no, they are
not teaching us how to have the ideal family or how to put in right circumstances in order to
get the perfect outcom, nor do they say they are. Do you see any wording of this in their
teaching and if so, would you please share with me where it is?
I understand your comments about externals and the main point of your blog. (And I would be
interested in dialoging about those things as well.)
I enjoy reading your blog:-) and would like to continue dialoging with you on the other
issues you raised, such as “the ideal of the older teaching the younger in the context of
the immediate church.” As I am 56 years old, I am one of those “olders” who is willing to
teach the youngers:-) and also learn from the youngers. As a homeschooling mom of two boys
ages 16 1/2 and 14 1/2, I am in an interesting position in that most of my friends my age
are grandparents. It has been a joy being parents to teens. I am praying to make it to the
status of “grandparent.”
Sincerely,
Barbara
February 14th, 2006 at 3:38 pm
Barbara,
I wonder if you are not splitting hairs in challenging “Chewy’s” statements about the Ezzos promising an “ideal family” or “perfect outcome?” While perhaps they do not use those exact terms, they do give a strong statement through the bulk of their work that if you follow their techniques, certain outcomes can be expected…baby will sleep through the night, mom will be well rested, through the wonders of “spiritual inertia” a child will be brought to salvation… All of these descriptors might be consider to be leading to a conclusion of an “ideal family” or “perfect outcome.”
I also wonder if you *really* want to continue dialoging about the main point of Chewy’s blog, since you specifically refrainedfrom doing so, and spent as much space doing it as could have been devoted to a good start at discussing it.
February 14th, 2006 at 9:23 pm
Barbara,
Thank you for being very gracious, even as we disagree. You and I both know that I will never be able to prove my comment, because it is not a direct quote from Gary. Gary is excellent at speaking out of both sides of his mouth. For example, saying that a baby who wants to eat before time has an “uncooperative stance,” and also saying “feed a hungry baby.” Even if I am convincing that Gary implies that we are to work toward having an ideal family by means of the right input, I’m sure he also says elsewhere that this is not true.
I would ask you to examine the first page of http://www.gfi.org. Part of me is scratching my head–one, trying to understand what in the heck Gary is really saying, and two, trying to understand how he has the nerve to say what I think he is saying when his family is in the shape it is in. Isn’t he saying our families are to bear witness to Christ? I’m not sure how not speaking to your adult, Christian daughter does that….(Although I notice that he, conveniently threw in this sentence: “Enjoying wonderful relationships within our families and communities is not the ultimate purpose of character training.” I guess that is how he dances around the issue of his own family.
Barbara, the thing is, you and I both know that you are (twice) drawing two sentences out of one blog that was about much more than those two sentences. Feel free to read the rest of my blogs on GFI–there are a lot. I don’t think I will convince you (although I didn’t think anybody would convince me, either) that the Ezzos are just plain messed up. But I would ask you how you can trust someone to teach you how to be an authority to your children when he clearly does not understand submission to authority, as evidenced by his complete disregard and disrespect for the elders at two (or three) churches.
February 16th, 2006 at 10:48 am
Dear Jenn and “Chewy”:
Thank you for your replies. Please know that I am not trying to argue or be contentious. I am trying to determine what you mean by the comments. What I think you are saying in light of other things on your blog (and please correct me if I am wrong here) is that you feel the Ezzos teach all these various “things” to us and you work on “following” what they say, and yet from what you know at this point, their own outcome is not bearing what you would think should be happening from all the teaching. Is that correct?
Sincerely,
Barbara
February 19th, 2006 at 5:54 pm
I didn’t write Chewy’s blog…but I’ll put my two cents worth in on what I think she is saying.
I often tell expectant parents who take my childbirth classes that when they are looking for older parents to get advice from they should pick parents who have families they admire and parents who seem to have fun being parents, rather than the many they can find who seem to be miserable as parents.
Now initially the Ezzo’s started out teaching about parenting because of exactly that reason–people saw desirable outcomes in their family. But now after time has passed, their family doesn’t really seem to be one that many would want to emmulate. So I see Chewy asking why so many people are still following his teaching–especially since they are essentially teaching from the “this is what we did” standpoint.
February 22nd, 2006 at 8:35 pm
“Many parents feel if they can “check the box” then their child
must be “on the right road.” If this is your perception of what the Ezzos taught and now teach, may I ask how you came to this perception? Based on what specifics principles/teachings in
their materials?”
Even recently a “Discipline Flow Chart” based on the GKGW materials was offered to class leaders by the Growing Families Australia organization. Pretty close to a “check the box” mentality.
Continually in the materials is the message “Follow these Biblical Principles* and your baby will sleep sounder, grow faster, develop smarter, be more mature, be praised by your friends and neighbors, not be prone to ADD, not have premarital sex, and overcome any spiritual inertian to be a believer at a young age.” Examples of this? For starters, look in the Prep and Toddler materials for the Ryan/Stevie (or whatever their names are now) stories.
February 22nd, 2006 at 8:36 pm
Biblical Principles*
* Gary and Anne Marie Ezzo’s opinions on child rearing, couched in Christian terminology. I don’t believe that the majority of what they teach is reflective of true Biblical principles.
February 24th, 2006 at 6:49 pm
Barbara, I think it’s difficult to see the Ezzos as having the proper credentials at this
point to be in a position of leadership and teaching to young parents–at least not in
the very arena where their own lives display problems, that is to say submission to
authority and family relationships. I wish them well, I pray for them, but I think
they should step down from ministry and deal with these problem areas. When, by God’s
grace and mercy they have restored those relationships, they will have so much more to
give. I would say the same thing about anybody, I think it’s biblical and wise.
March 5th, 2006 at 4:13 pm
I have been busy for a while and have not had time to return to this conversation. I appreciate what you all have shared. It is not my desire to be contentious, and I am now understanding what your reasoning is.
And you are free to hold your views, and I am now seeing why you hold them.:-)Thank you for sharing with me.
We have been asked by couples to mentor them in their marriage and family life, and that they see fruit in our lives that encourages them. It is my prayer that all of us on this blog will be used by the Lord Jesus to be encouragers to others and that the Lord is glorified in all our families - whether involved with GFI or not - to further His Kingdom.
Still enjoying being part of this blogsite,
Barbara:-)