On Being an Introvert with a Large Family
Barbara at Mommy Life had a question from a mom who is an introvert and is wondering if she should consider having a large family. I replied in her comment section, and I decided that I was long-winded enough that I would just make this a post on my own blog. Here is my comment from her blog:
I have been mulling this over since I read it yesterday. I am an introvert, but not extremely so. (ISFP) My DH is an extrovert–literally he did not answer a single question on the “introvert” side on the Myers-Briggs test!!! (ENFP, and extreme on every answer!)
We have five children, ranging in age from 16 down to 4, and the oldest has Down syndrome.
Before kids, I loved the idea of a large family. Kind of like how I love the idea of a big party! I can’t stand to be left out of the fun, so if there’s a gathering, I’m there! But after about an hour at a big party, I’m wiped out and ready to go home. Everything gets fuzzy and I can’t focus any more.
And I think sometimes my family is a bit like that–LOL! The early years are a blur. Honestly, I am finding the teen years to be a lot easier for my personality type. I am starting to understand why I’ve never loved those toddler years.
During the newborn days, I could snuggle with my wee one, and they took naps, which gave me little breaks. The toddler and preschool years are full of questions, pokes, demands, etc., and they just plain wear me out! Our children are in public school, so they are gone during the day. This isn’t a choice for everyone, but speaking as an introvert, this has been really good for me. I am also in school, so I’m not just at home enjoying the silence, but I have time to study and just be alone while they are at school.
And then, the older my kids get, the more I am able to enjoy meaningful, intimate conversation with them. It feels less “moblike” and more relational. There’s still the background chaos, but I get to enjoy a lot of one-on-one or “small-group” conversations, and that definitely recharges me!
Because my DH is extroverted (and very kid-like) he loves being home with them in the evening if I need to slip out or go upstairs and study or whatever. Not all husbands are like that–I feel truly blessed. And it is definitely an example of where opposites attract, and it is a good thing! My weakness is his strength.
For me, having a large family is probably more draining than I ever thought it would be, but the more my kids mature, the more I enjoy them and my family as a whole. The other thing I should say is that finding myself weak and needy and overwhelmed is not all bad. It drives me to Jesus and makes me need him more. Big problems require a big Jesus! I’m not saying all introverts should go out and have a big family just so they can need Jesus more, but if you find yourself saying, “Oh my–this isn’t quite how I imagined it would be!” Jesus can meet you there, and it is a good thing!
February 17th, 2007 at 11:09 pm
We needed to buy a shirt for Hubby today. I was shocked at myself when a swear word escaped my lips when we drove into the parking lot and saw how crowded it was. It was exhausting. I am not “fun” to go shopping with–at least not when there are so many people around. Usually my introvert personality doesn’t hurt anything–today, though, I began to wonder whether it was. . .
Noise is a trigger for me. (Surprise. It was for my Mom, too.) I don’t know how I thought a houseful of kiddos wouldn’t be noisy! I always wanted a large family–dreamed of 6 boys. God gave me four fabulous boys. Maybe he knew that was as much energy and noise as I could handle?
February 18th, 2007 at 3:09 pm
that’s too funny.
i am definitely an extrovert (ENFP/J depending on the hormone level lol), but i do get to the edge some days when i need to *read a book* or…. *shock* …sit at the computer… in the middle of all our wonderful chaos.
but i go completely mental if we have two days in a row at home without seeing any extra people.
i love loud music and lots of noise. just not first thing in the morning…
February 18th, 2007 at 4:58 pm
I think this comment of yours hit the nail on the head for me. I have known that I am an INTJ for years. The N and the J are more borderline, but an “E” day for me is about 70% “I” on those tests. Normally I am about 90% “I”. I’ve known this, and that is why I think it is good I had two girls, then a seven year hiatus before we had our third girl.
It is good to know about personality differences, otherwise I might feel very guilty about being the way God made me. Not that it’s an excuse to sin, but I just simply can’t make myself enjoy a lot of commotion and hubbub and constant activity, and I do need to retreat occasionally.